All of it...

If you haven't heard yet, we did not get pregnant. More about that later.

A couple of weeks ago I was sitting in the recliner watching the kids go to sleep. It was a partially sunny day with those perfect puffy clouds drifting by. The room would get dimmer then brighter as they passed, and I could hear the sound of the breeze in the trees. Days like this always stick in my mind. They are my idea of the perfect day no matter what the temperature. There is a sense of peace, happiness & love conveyed to my mind and body on these days. I hope my kids will feel these feelings and memory triggers as they go through life.

Blake has been in the 70-80 percentile whenever we go the doctors from about 4 months on. He is definitely big for his age, but not ginormous like Madison {generally 100%}. What he does have are massive hands! Thick chunky long fingers with a wide palm. It's like when you see a large breed puppy with his huge paws. I wonder if Blake will be quite tall despite his only slightly above average growth chart. For sure I'd say he'll be 6 foot. Other then looking so much like Guy in the face, he reminds me a lot of my mom's father. It's things like his head shape, those strange looking toes, and his build with a little of his crazy personality thrown in. My grandpa was the kind of guy who hung out in his boxer shorts on those hot Arizona summer days. He wouldn't care who was coming over they were welcome into his home while he lounged around in his boxers watching sports. He was always slim, funny & interesting. My grandma tells the story of how she first met him at Tempe beach park next to the Salt River standing near the road watching him careen around the corner on two wheels. He pursued my gorgeous 6' tall grandmother with all his energy. Blake seems to have his energy and thirst for life.

My January was spent with the single minded focus of becoming pregnant. We thought it would work along with pretty much everyone else. I think we thought by doing the exact same type of fertility cycle we did to get the twins we would be successful despite it having taken almost 5 years to get pregnant with the twins. I do know I probably would not have had any yearly exams or even insurance if it wasn't for us trying. Wednesday I'll be going in to check out the polyp to confirm its existence & set up a surgery date. All of this has also inspired me to get a physical too. When did I get so old my physical involves TWO appointments, x-rays, & an EKG in addition to blood work, pap & a physical exam? Wow, it is a bit crazy getting old enough for all of this. Once the surgery is complete and the physical goes perfectly I'll be all ready to drop my insurance that costs $50o per month {yes, just for me}, has a high deductible & large copays.

We decided prior to trying for another baby it would be our last attempt due to the cost and emotional aspect. Of course, I knew if it didn't work I'd be ready to change my mind and try again. Guy assured me he was definitely not going to change his mind if it didn't work. When we found out we weren't pregnant by the very definite start of my period we were both sad. I was glad to have some time alone as it was after the kids went to bed & guy hadn't returned from his trip. Everyone knows Guy is a 'Do it now' when you think of it kind of person, but I can also be this way from time to time. After having a day to process our failure it was time to clear out all the stuff we had been saving for our next child. Guy let me know he wasn't ready for me to do that. I don't know if this means he'll change his mind about trying after my surgery is complete or if he just needs more time to process our loss.

I do think of it as a loss. Our kids are each unique individuals who bring so much joy, mischief, love, interest, peace & anger {basically they add it all!} to our lives. We would have welcomed the opportunity to meet another of our Heavenly Father's children into our lives to experience all they had to offer. This is what I feel we have lost. This opportunity to meet another unique individual & be a part of his or her life on this earth. Ever since realizing I actually wanted children as an adult {definitely did not prior to being an adult} 3 felt like a perfect number. It still does, but I am also very happy with our 2. Being a mom has turned out to be way cooler then in my imagination.

I'm not sure if Blake has a mean streak or if he does these things our of exuberance. With Madison it is definitely out of anger. With other people & their kids I really think {hope} it is him not knowing his own strength. He does show signs of great compassion & loves to make people feel better when they are sad or upset. When he pets a dog it's pretty much like he's taking a swing at it in an attempt to pet. Whenever he has injured a fellow child/baby it is only when no one is watching. This frustrates me to no end. I certainly do not want to be the parent of 'The Bully'. Who does. Check out poor Riley's face below. She got her wounds the day before when we hung out at their house. The photos are at Marbles kids museum in Raleigh.

On another note. Madison's hair is getting longer finally. The bangs are now about an inch from being easily tucked behind her ears. YAY! She will let me put her hair up or back, but only for about half of a day. So most of the time it's hanging in her eyes right now. And I actually like it that way. There is just something so impish & not so put together about it. Adorable. The mirrors were a lot of fun. The shot of me with the distorted face & the kids in the background all blurry & dreamy looking is so cool.

Madison's face scratches are from Blake too. Sigh...